Hello again! It has been a handful of months since I’ve been here, and I told myself that I wanted to finish documenting our summer and such, but I think I’ll just skip right over it (because nobody will miss it, and I broke my phone and lost a bunch of photos anyway). So, skipping over…
…We found out we are pregnant again! Baby number 4 is on its way, due March 20, just a couple weeks after my 30th birthday. I guess I’ll have to over look my unofficial goal of being done having kids by the time I’m 30.
I feel like going from 3 to 4 is a big jump. 3 is still normal and very acceptable. Having 4 kids puts you over into the world of “wow, you have a big family!”. Only one other person in my peer group has a fourth child on the way. How in the world is it going to be okay for me to ask somebody to watch our brood now?!
Like usual, this pregnancy has been fairly easy on me, physically. No sickness or anything. Just my usual nasal congestion, and an added aversion to snack foods. Why don’t I want that delicious kettle corn?!
However, I have been feeling a lot more anxious this time around. I was super nervous going in to my dating ultrasound. My blood pressure was measuring on the high side at a checkup around 12 weeks, which has never been a problem before. You know what I attribute it to?
1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This is my 4th. I’m due for one now, right? My mom lost her fourth. Like mother, like daughter? Friends and acquaintances are experiencing loss. It can happen to me too! And we are currently in a month of infant loss awareness, where women everywhere are coming out with their personal stories of heartache over little ones they will never meet this side of heaven. As great as that is for those who need to hear – or tell – those stories, it just reminds me of the possibilities and makes me nervous.
Thankfully, at 18 weeks, I am starting to feel the baby move, so that has definitely calmed my nerves. There is just so much time before that of unknown. Is there actually a baby in there?! My growing belly says a definite “Yes!”
And then there’s the thought of what the baby will be. The same thoughts that my friends, family, and strangers alike are thinking. Is it going to be a girl this time?! It is a huge desire of my heart to have a girl! I want to be a mom to a daughter. I want Tim to be a dad to a daughter. I want our boys to be big brothers to a little sister. I want our family to have a different perspective. I want others to have a different perspective of our family. And also, I need more floral in my life!
When we found out Patrick was a boy, I cried in the ultrasound room. It only took a few moments before I was able to say “three boys is going to be awesome!”, but I feel that this time around will be different, as it will likely be or last child. For almost the entire first trimester, this was a more-than-daily thought process:
What’s it going to be?
I hope it’s a girl!
What if it’s a boy?
Oh no! What if it’s a boy!
I get anxious.
I pray for peace and thank God that he knows best.
I think about all the future daughters-in-law.
The anxiety surrounding the gender has greatly diminished since thinking of a boy’s name about a month ago. Knowing that we have a name to attach to a possible boy makes things a lot easier. It’s a real person in there, with a personality and everything! And knowing that a 4th boy would still be different than the other 3 is comforting.
But until we hear otherwise, the hope for a girl is still strong.